21++

posted on : 7/21/2025

as of writing this, i turn 21 in 9 days. i’ll be with my boyfriend most likely, and we will go with my parents down to san diego to celebrate. last night i went to my second irvine underground and it was a fun time. i got to meet a lot people, a few red teamers like me.

one of them, when i told him i was working my way into binary exploitation immediately said that i should do ctfs and go to def con ctf. we talked more about it and he gave some decent advice, but it made think if what im working on really matters. where is the start and the end of what’s considered my corpus of knowledge? i spent last night choked up in my head about it, wondering if i was doing enough (everyone can always be doing more, but if i was doing it all, there wouldn’t be much of me left) and i can sit here and mope about it all day but that’s not gonna get me anywhere.

i feel like i’m always looking backwards, trying to iterate and i don’t like that. i’m constantly stuck in retrospect, and for this next year of my life, i’m going to try to look forwards. i wonder where on the rite of passage we all go through i am right now. with two internships nixed from me and the replacement being a source of ((((darkness)))) for me, and it’s made me honestly sad when i have to be stuck doing these things.

my record label is wonderful, that’s a plus. i’ve been able to have a pretty good and involved relationship with music. i’ve finished my next album which should release next year. it’s another concept album, set in the future. i’m nervous about the future. i have no idea what it will look like in 10 years anymore and i’m afraid to go forward to meet it.

working as a soc analyst and seeing those on the internet be even slightly removed from this misery i feel has been a source of fire for me. i want to live somewhere wonderful with my boyfriend. i don’t want to settle, so i’m not gonna settle for mediocrity. i talk a lot of big game and so far i’ve been able to back it up. i don’t know how i will feel come age 31, i didn’t know how i would feel come 21 when i was 11. i barely remember that summer, but i know the next one was st martin -> ax. i went with my friend mikey who i haven’t seen in a while, and i miss talking with him. i’ve changed a lot since i’ve seen so many people. everyone around me is growing up and it feels like i’m not at times.

i don’t know what i’m writing anymore at this point, i only know that i am to prove to something out there that these feelings will be etched into silicon one day. everything is mirrored from last summer. the two constants are my boyfriend and pasta salad, and i wouldn’t have it any other way. my boyfriend is the one person i can fall back on time and time again and i know he will be accepting me with open arms and the world’s kindest heart i’ve ever seen. each second with him is what makes all of this worth it.

as i get older and assumedly wiser, i want to reflect and learn on what i’ve done. this next year of my life will be mysterious and wizened, weird and massive. i will make it work, i will do the research, and i will be myself no matter what.